The Power of Empathy
I am in it with you. I am not here to fix you. I am here to feel with you and let you know you are not alone.
Brené Brown
It was one of those days. It started well enough, and then went from good to bad to worse. Many hours of sweat and frustration later, with too much coffee in my veins, unproductive meetings under my belt and a few missed calls on my conscience, I headed back home.
Back in the sanctuary of my own kitchen, I was making some tea when my husband came in. Happy to have someone to talk to about those horrible past hours, I was in the middle of my story when my husband proceeded to give me concrete advice about how I should have done this or said that.
The resulting scenario is probably very familiar to many of you. I was getting more frustrated and irritated by the minute. I felt unheard and alone in my misery. He was completely bewildered.
Wasn’t his advice good?
Wasn’t he being attentive?
Didn’t I like his practical solutions for my issues?
Yes, yes and yes. But that wasn’t the point. All I needed was for him to listen, maybe lend me his shoulder (metaphorically, physically, but not so much verbally) and then let me find my own way out of the situation.
I wanted him to be less interesting and more interested - in me, - and in my day. I needed empathy. A typical case of the shoemaker's son always goes barefoot, I thought to myself, and put away the tea for a hug.
Empathy is defined by emotional researchers as the ability to sense other people emotions and imagine what others might be feeling. You meet others as you want to be met yourself, or as the old sages so wisely said – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Brené Brow, an American research professor who has spent the last two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy, defines empathy as follows.
Empathy is connecting with people so we know we're not alone when we're in struggle. Empathy is a way to connect to the emotion another person is experiencing; it doesn't require that we have experienced the same situation they are going through.
Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence (1995), talks about three kinds of empathy.
Cognitive Empathy – the understanding of others’ emotions and needs.
Emotional Empathy – is the feeling of others’ emotion as if they were yours.
Compassionate Empathy – when you not only understand and feel, but are moved to support, if needed.
People often interpret empathy to mean you need to “be nice”, but this is to confuse sympathy with empathy. Sympathy suggests that you feel sorry for the other party, whereas empathy is about a willingness to understand and respect the other person’s situation and point of view and that you are willing to offer your support in some way.
Taking a look at your own ways of reacting to others’ emotional distress is a good place to start. Trying to be less interesting and more interested, is another. Finally, putting away your solution-oriented gut reaction for the benefit of empathetic compassion, is a third.
Empathy is neither new nor limited to our culture. In the movie Avatar (2009), the Na’vi, the people of Pandora, greet one another through looking a person in the eye and saying- “I see you”. The movie makers were actually inspired by real life. The African Samburu tribe’s customary greeting is exactly that. When meeting another person, they look the person in the eye and say “I see you”. When a tribesman acknowledges another, both the greeter and the greeted come into existence. In other words, they become.
When you respond to someone empathically, you build a bridge of mutual trust, which leads to stronger relationships, based on shared experiences and a mutual willingness to connect and co-create something together.
The good news is that empathy can be learned. In my coaching practice I often meet executives who understand the importance of building trust and strong connections, but are not always aware of their own emotional competencies. When they develop their empathetic skills, they boost their self confidence, trust-building abilities and personal connections, which make them not only better leaders, but better partners, friends and parents.
The story of B, fresh from my coaching life, is a good example.
A few months into coaching B, an exceptionally bright, young executive, whose talent, proven results and effectiveness landed her a top position in a large corporation with global reach, we were discussing empathy. Always in a hurry, B was usually quick to make decisions, impatient in meetings and often equated speed with efficiency.
When L, one of her young stars was very upset after a conflict with a client, B’s first instinct was to give L advice on how to solve the problem. But, as we recently discussed empathy and how to act empathetically, B actually took a step back.
Instead of reacting she listened carefully to L’s story, acknowledging his distress, anger and frustrations. B then asked questions to make sure that she truly understood what happened. She was present and interested. And, - didn’t offer solutions but asked how she could support him. When B told me about the incident, she said, not without a note of surprise in her voice: “L was so relieved to just be listened to. He actually took a deep breath, and said that he knew exactly how to tackle the problem.”
B smiled a little apologetically: “I didn’t actually do anything, didn’t show how brilliant I was and how quickly I could solve this thing for L. I just listened and was there without being alarmed by L’s emotional reaction.”
When B showed that she was present, and “there for him” and that she trusted L’s competence and abilities, she empowered L’s own resilience and liberated him to act. The level of trust between them was increased and L’s confidence in his own judgment boosted.
L went on to not only solve this particular conflict, but to win other major accounts with the client. B and I continue to explore and grow her Emotional Capital.
So, How do can you boost your own empathy skills?
1. Be curious
Take the time to find out what makes the other person tick. Ask open-ended questions and don’t presume you know the answers. This will give you greater insights into what’s important for your counterpart. Put your own assumptions and agenda aside and reserve your judgment.
People with high levels of empathy are genuinely curious about other people. They are more interested than interesting. They listen to connect and understand, are open minded and willing to see situations from the other person’s point of view. Your intention should be to get a deeper understanding of the other person’s perspective which will make him/her feel respected and valued.
2. Listen attentively
There are three levels of listening:
Superficial listening - when you’re only pretending to hear what the other person is saying.
Selective listening - when you’re only hearing the things you want to hear.
Attentive listening - which requires that you are fully present, open-minded and attentive to what is being said. You are both aware of and correctly read body language, emotions and tone of voice, to truly understand the meaning behind the words.
To listen empathetically, you need to practice attentive listening. In reality this can be easier said than done as it’s tempting to be overly eager to share your own opinions, advocate your point of view and interrupt with comments and thoughts.
Start with listening more than talking. Ask questions when you don’t understand. Don’t give your opinion prematurely.Use Epictetus, an ancient greek philosopher’s advice: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
3. Make a connection
Empathy is described by Dr. Martyn Newman - a renowned psychologist, who wrote Emotional Capitalists — The New Leaders - as “the emotional glue that creates interpersonal connections.
Connection is created when I can sense that I feel that you feel me. Be open to your own emotional experience, show that you are interested in the other person and that you respect his/her point of view. Be prepared to show your own vulnerability and create rapport. That will help you to create a balanced relationship based on trust, loyalty and shared experiences.
Let’s explore the potential, power and beauty of empathy and emotional intelligence together! Get in touch to get started on your own brave journey.
Recommended reading
Emotional Capitalists - The New Leaders Essential Strategies for Building Your Emotional Intelligence and Leadership Success, by Martyn Newman (2007).
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman (2005).
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, by Stephen R Covey (2004).
Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts, By Brené Brown (2018).